The Cosy Couch

Hi couchie it has been a while…apa khabar yo? Bila pulang ke tanah air?

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 22:07:40 -0500

Hi couchie it has been a while…apa khabar yo? Bila pulang ke tanah air?

Sorry for the long hiatus Couchie!

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 12:01:16 -0400

Sorry sorry for the long hiatus couchie!

The thing was, I have been so tied up with work and all other things since I returned home from Seoul in January. It has been a crazy busy few months!

Ok, so about my upcoming Project Europe 2, my itenary is like this :

13 may 2012 : KL - Milan arriving 1.45pm (via emirates)

13 may 2012 : Milan - Lisbon arriving 8.05pm (via easyjet)

16 may 2012 : Lisbon - Porto (by train)

17 may 2012 : Porto - Geneva arriving 3.45pm (via easyjet)

19 may 2012 : Geneva - Dubrovnik arriving 9am (via easyjet)

20 may 2012 : Dubrovnik - London Gatwick arriving 10.30pm (via easyjet)

21 may 2012 : London Gatwick - Prague arriving 9.20am (via easyjet)

23 may 2012 : Prague - Milan arriving 2.10pm (via easyjet)

24 may 2012 : Milan - Athens arriving 2.10pm (via easyjet)

25 may 2012 : Athens - Santorini arriving 11.15am (via Aegean Airlines)

26 may 2012 : Santorini - Athens arriving 8.40pm (via Aegean Airlines)

27 may 2012 : Athens - Milan arriving 5.30pm (via easyjet)

28 may 2012 : Milan - KL (via emirates)

So where would you wanna join me? :p

I had finally spoke the words left unspoken. It was so hard to utter but I know it’s once and...

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 10:47:20 -0500

I had finally spoke the words left unspoken. It was so hard to utter but I know it’s once and for all. I’m glad I’ve finally came clean with him. I’m pleased that I don’t need to make up a new lie to cover an old lie ever again. It took all the courage in me to tell him about my status. What was I worried of? I don’t know. It’s like how I used to have a big stack of paper dolls in the corner of the drawer back at home, and though I don’t play with them anymore, each time a glance of them in the corner of the drawer gave me a comforting smile; when the nostalgic childhood times associated with the paper dolls surfaced, I felt a spark of happiness lit above my head. Maybe I was afraid of losing that spark. Maybe it was my greed to cling on all the attention and emotions I can have. I was silly. and stupid. He was cool and calm, as if he expected these coming. I don’t know if we’ll ever speak again? Well, whatever will be, will be. I’m a tiny bit upset, but I guessed I’m happy I did what I am supposed to. The righteous thing. No more secrets in the new year. Yeay! :)

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Tue, 20 Dec 2011 03:28:16 -0500

Dear couch partner, Sorry for this delay, I’ve been caught up with applications, assessments,...

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 10:01:00 -0500

Dear couch partner,

Sorry for this delay, I’ve been caught up with applications, assessments, rejections, temp work and all sorts. It’s a lot colder here that sometimes I’m tempted to switch into hibernation mode and just wake up afresh when springs come and hopefully, a wreath of opportunities awaits :) It’s so good to see you getting your closure and I can feel a whole new-chapter-atmosphere around you now. It’s such a different and positive feeling, even if you’re just at the beginning of it. A great way to end 2011, darling!

I can’t wait for you to be here again but I do have plans to go back to our homeland if I find a job by then! So I’ll either see you here, or there. In terms of your questions, yes I have heard that low-cost airlines hardly do direct flight to Eastern Europe. My friend who came from Turkey told me she’ve always interchange in Germany/Holland- which seem quite strange to me. Yet she went for those because they turn out a lot cheaper. And for as far as I know (without consulting Mr. Google), Euro Star goes to Belgium and France and I think, Amsterdam. Eastern Europe- I am guessing relies on flight.

Argh you know I wish I could’ve helped more but at the moment, travelling is not my profession..yet! When I start earning it will :))

Muah kisses to you and have a lovely, merry Christmas darling.

From you couch partner xx

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Sun, 04 Dec 2011 10:34:52 -0500

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Sat, 03 Dec 2011 14:38:17 -0500

The Pursuit of Closure

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 12:11:44 -0500

I’m better now, been happy for the last 2 days.
I really do apologize for all of the angry, suicidal and emotional FB statuses over the last 2 months, cos most of the times, it was my thyroid hormones talking (very unstable hormones), that wasn’t me. I am actually a jovial person haha.
Now I’m happier cos I have stopped those hormones from controlling my mind.
In fact, I am actually contented with my life and grateful for everything good in my life.

A few days ago, when the memories of him and us became too intense, impulsively, I smsed him.
I was looking for a closure. I think.
He replied. He wanted us to be together again. As much as I do not want to hurt him, I also do not want to hurt myself by going through it all over again.
How I have wished that he would understand me more, and hurt me less in the past. But now all of these does not matter to me anymore.
We just do not have a future together. And we’re better individually apart.
Now I’m either gonna leave it as it is, or reply him to “Please forget me”.
I guess this is closure to me.

I really wish that I can erase selective memories. Then my life would be a little less painful, and easier to create new memories.
It took me so long to get a closure for this relationship.
I just don’t want to give him hope anymore. Cos there’s no point getting back together and then break up again.
It’s better for him to find someone else who’s more compatible with him.
I don’t mind being his friend again but if he’s not willing to, then there’s nothing much that I can do.
I wish him all the best in his future undertakings, I hope that he will forget about me soon.

Now I’m running towards closure with an open heart.
I hope this means that I’ll no longer think about him, no longer will have that longing.
Goodbye my dear and thanks for the sweet memories.

Heal Me

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 10:57:52 -0500

If God can fully heal my heart, that would be greatly appreciated.
I am still tearing up while listening to Cuo De Ren.
I couldn’t stop listening cos this is like my ultimate heartbreak song.
It’s like my song.
The soundtrack of my life.
My life that is full of heartbreaks and whatnots.
Maybe I was meant to be born as a loser.

Am always masking my pain in front of my close friends.
I find it really hard to express my feelings verbally.
And thus…I resorted to here.
Just the way of how Cuo De Ren was sang & how the music video was made, it’s enough to make me miserable & cry myself to sleep for probably a week or two.

I didn’t even give a second chance to him.
He tried calling me many many times but I ignored him for like, 3 months.
Maybe I should have given that chance to him, maybe I should have not jumped to conclusions.
Maybe I should have not given up on a relationship so easily.
Maybe I should have learnt on how to maintain a relationship.

Maybe in another life, I’ll be his girl.
I’m always screwing up everything in my life, sometimes I wish I knew how to make things right instead of making things worse.

Wrong Person / 錯的人/ Cuo De Ren Ai de tai zhen tai rong yi rang...

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 10:33:58 -0500

Wrong Person / 錯的人/ Cuo De Ren

Ai de tai zhen tai rong yi rang zi ji xi sheng,
Tai rong yi rang zi ji cheng lun,
Tai rong yi bu gu yi qie man shi shang hen,
Wo tai ben ming zhi dao ni zhi cuo de ren,
Ming zhi dao zhe bu shi yuan fen,
Dan shi wo hai fen bu gu shen…

- Elva Hsiao - Cuo De Ren -

This is like, probably the first ever Chinese song that I’ve ever blogged about.
Its lyrics touched me so much, and I can totally relate to it.
Not like I understand all of the lyrics, but I understood the most emotional part of this song - “Wo tai ben ming zhi dao ni zhi cuo de ren”
To translate it literally - I’m so stupid, knowing all along that you were the wrong person.
I probably, like understood only 3 lines from that mandarin song haha. But the thing that matters is that I understood the main part of it.

In which it has made me terribly emotional tonight.
I have been avoiding to listen to this song ever since my break up with him.
I have also been avoiding talking about Cambodia & him anymore cos the hurt is just too much to bear.
I discovered this song in Siem Reap, Cambodia, where my friends were telling me how beautiful this song was. It also means that I liked this song at the very same time when I have realised my feelings for him.
I kept asking myself whether he was the wrong person?
But the feelings were too beautiful back then to have doubts.
It seemed so right, I haven’t felt like that in a very long time.

Just like in this music video, the beginning seemed like a fairytale, where nothing seems to be able to make me come back to reality.
I sacrificed my money for him, making another 2 trips there.
Just because I missed him too much.
It was too unbearable to be away from him.
And for the first time in my life, I thought that finally, there was someone who loves me with all of his heart and soul.

We kept in touch extensively for the first few months, with me making most of the effort and initiatives.
Then, as time goes by, he started by contacting me lesser and lesser.
Then, it was a completely no-contact for 1 month. Or more. I couldn’t remember.
And he was beginning to make more excuses. And more lies.
I finally snapped back into reality.
I then realised that he was not after my heart, but rather everything else.
I ignored him too, but sometimes I would still call him to make sure he was fine.
What a fool I was, to care so much for someone who didn’t even give a shit about me.

We didn’t properly break up then. But I have already given up on him.
Like, 2 months after we last spoke, he finally called.
But I ignored all of his calls and smses.
He even tried calling me when I was in Venice, but I just didn’t feel like talking to him anymore.
Then he stopped calling in June.
Then he called again in July.
This time I picked up and broke up with him.
If he really cared, he would try to call after the break up, but no he didn’t as expected.
Because I was nothing to him, and will never be.
He has caused just too much hurt to me.

Whenever I hear this song, it brings me back to those sweet memories with him.
I have moved on, but the memories are just….indescribable.
I still haven’t forgotten about him, I still have the memories of him
I would tear each time I think of us, what we used to have, how we were happier back then.
Tell me how to erase the memories of him, and the memories of us?

Thank you!

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 06:42:00 -0500

Dearest Couch partner,

Thanks for the blue Tiffany cake and your wishes! Wow I didn’t know Tiffany sells cakes! So luxurious!

My friend was in your position too, last year. He couldn’t find a job in UK after graduation, hence he came back to Msia to help out in his father’s business.

I can understand how you feel there now, just keep on going. Keep on searching ok, never give up! Don’t let this stop you from going further. Maintain your confidence kay. I’ll pray for u to get a job soon!

I hope you will remain in the UK cos I have plans to come to Europe next year but my plans are a little bit too ambitious haha. I still feel that I have an unfinished business there, like not satisfied yet :p

You see how I meant by my over-ambitious plan - this time I plan to go to Greece (Athens & Santorini), Czech Republic (Prague), Croatia (Dubrovnik), Italy (Naples, Pompeii and maybe Palermo in Sicily), Spain (Seville) and Portugal (Lisbon & Porto) and if God willing, I’ll visit UK!…I kept googling if there were eurostar trains in Eastern Europe (Czech & Croatia & Greece) but I couldn’t find any. Flights are difficult too, cos only big cities like Milan, Rome, London, Paris has flights to eastern europe.

Let’s say if I fly from KL to Milan…then Milan - Greece, then Milan - Prague, then Milan - Dubrovnik…Each time I had to go back to Milan to catch the flights to the 3 countries..,a bit mafan lor…Western Europe has no problems like this..I can easily figure out how to go to Seville and Lisbon and Porto…

Hmm…if you got any ideas on how to fly around eastern europe, let me know kay.

Otherwise, last resort I had to use Milan as a hub haha

———————————————————————————————————————

Thanks couchie partner for saying those encouraging words, I’m actually better now, I have gotten over those depressing eras haha. One fine day I’ve realised that my life is way better than others, despite being a depressing & suicidal teenager, despite being born with humble beginnings, and because of those hardships that my family & I went through, that sometimes we couldn’t even afford some basic necessities, I guess that has made me a stronger person.

Now I’ve got everything that I’ve wanted 10 years ago.

If you ask me 10 years ago whether I would expect all these to come true, especially Europe? No, never would I have expected all of these. I’m still grateful to God for all of these, grateful to God for everything in my life now.

I just need to remind myself to keep the faith, never give up, as I have come a long way here.

I believe that God has a plan for each & everyone on this Earth. Please, my couch partner, please do not give up. I could have given up so many times but I’m still holding on

You’re a tough girl, keep the faith & believe in yourself

I know you can do it!

Lots of love,

Your Muruku couch partner XOXO

Happy birthday dear couch partner :) Yeayy a Tiffany blue cake...

Tue, 22 Nov 2011 19:11:48 -0500

Happy birthday dear couch partner :) Yeayy a Tiffany blue cake for you so you’re blessed with happiness, joy and wealth in your new year ahead! xxx

Dear couch partner, My life after moving out from uni was kinda… stagnant. Looking, digging,...

Mon, 14 Nov 2011 05:08:00 -0500

Dear couch partner,

My life after moving out from uni was kinda… stagnant. Looking, digging, waiting for a job to save my life is… boring. Too many times I found myself asking if this is where I want to live. Too many times I’ve found myself sank in the deep sea of questions to find out what I want for myself and my future. Too many times I have felt like pack up and leave.

I have left once, setting foot in the vibrant Kuala Lumpur that I dearly loved. But somehow, the ambitions and the dreams in me were so loud that I knew I wanted more of this English land. When the opportunity came I just took on it and flew all the way back here. So, how can I, give up this quickly this time?

But you know, ambition is mutually independent from reality. Just like you can’t expect to have a bed of roses if you don’t have the land and the right soil to sow the seeds. So.. updates from me..? In short, I’m looking forward but not moving forward..yet! ;) All I know now is to be positive, be positive, and be positive. Let’s see if my chant works.

On another note, you have cast some very depressing writings on your space! Why! Cheer up darling! For a brave and courageous girl like you who have received all the obstacles in life with great kindness and perseverance, you will eventually find your happiness. Maybe not now, but you definitely will. For holding on to your dreams for 10 years, you’ve finally came to Europe with a tiny little backpack (still makes me go Wow! lol) and so.. there’s no reason for you to lose your faith for the better life yet. Kay?!

Take good care and I miss you too!

Love,

Your other couch partner xxx

Dearest Couch Partner, Any updates? ;p

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 08:41:38 -0400

Dearest Couch Partner,

Any updates? ;p

Dear Couch Partner, Of course I do come back :) This is like my private place to pour my feelings...

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 11:55:26 -0400

Dear Couch Partner,

Of course I do come back :) This is like my private place to pour my feelings :)

Why did it bloooooodyyyyyyyy happened that when I was crying out of the panicking situation, you...

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 19:04:30 -0400

Why did it bloooooodyyyyyyyy happened that when I was crying out of the panicking situation, you were just so randomly there?! Why wouldn’t you just be ignorant and not saw my emotions, or rather, noticed my presence at all?! Why had we spoken, and why had you given me a hug???! You weren’t even meant to be in Canterbury in that College at the very first place!!!

These simple, probably meaningless gestures, were sufficient to create a hurricane in me. Especially in the last few days I’m here.

Unfortunately, I wanted more.

No I don’t like you. Anymore. It’s just an infatuation kind of thing. Like a string attached on your heart, you only realized the presence of the string when someone pulls it. Cause you left me hanging for a long, long time. You still are. I need a closure. The less I know about what had happened and what you were thinking, the more the curiosity in me wanted to dig something out of you. And the more I bumped into you at every unexpected timing in uni, the more I felt that leaving uni means this story no-more.

Should all these really matter after this very long, long time? If it shouldn’t, why would life give me all these occasional flashbacks when all I want is just to let it fade off?

No I really don’t like you anymore. To the extent that I think I’m better off if you never reappear again. Even though I’ll always remember you as a person. Sometimes, memories and fantasies are way better than the cruel truth. Let it be the way I want it to be.

It’s time to completely let this burden off my shoulder. Leaving should be the beginning.

Dear couch partner,

Wed, 07 Sep 2011 18:45:02 -0400

Ah do you know it feels really good to know that you still come back :)

xxx

Frozen

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 11:44:30 -0400

Out of the blue, I browsed through the old smses in my handphone yesterday night.
To my surprise, I was still keeping those smses dated way back in 2009.
Somehow, maybe I wanted to remind myself of how I was before.
How I was more affectionate, how I had more hope…
Now, I’m nothing but feeling constantly hopeless in this.
And my heart feels frozen.

uncomfortablesoul: “there are some mornings when I cry and cry...

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 20:50:22 -0400

uncomfortablesoul:

“there are some mornings when I cry and cry and mourn for myself. Some mornings, I’m so angry and bitter. But it doesn’t last too long. Then I get up and say, ‘I want to live.’ “

I’ve learned that well… Life isn’t all it’s cut out to be. It has it’s ups and it’s down. But, you have to embrace those ups and downs and learn from them. You can’t just sit back and mope and make people have pity for you. You have to put those things that are hurting you aside and live. You only get one life, and that one life isn’t that long. You have to do everything that comes your way. Yeah, you might get embarrassed, but in a month…no one will remember. You have to do what you feel is right. You can’t worry about other people. Just live life how you would want to live it. Don’t follow examples, make them. Let people follow in your footsteps. Sometimes, you just have to dance around your room and look like a fool. Other times, you just have to sing as loud as you can, even if you do sound bad. You haven’t lived until you’ve danced around in your underwear. And most of all…You need to laugh. Never go a day without laughing, or at least smiling. It doesn’t matter if you have had the worst day, If you just laugh, everything will be ok. For the most part, just be you. Don’t listen to others. They are going to make fun of you. They are going to tell you that you are stupid. But that is their opinion. It only becomes true when you start to believe it.

Constant paranoia is a sign of ageing. An imagination of flipping through old, nostalgic...

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 21:38:34 -0400

Constant paranoia is a sign of ageing.

An imagination of flipping through old, nostalgic pictures.

A signal of carrying the weighty past

A page hidden in the corner of the brain where scars were printed.

A reminder of the teachings being trained on.

An action of abstention from being a wild-spirited.

A course of action which a child never experience.

So yes, constant paranoia is a sign of ageing.